


things we lost in the fire.

by Hiriajuu



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Bad Ideas, Canon Compliant, Kissing, M/M, Rare Pairings, Unresolved Sexual Tension, i don't even know what to tag this really, it's before the shitstorm of the fourth, it's just gansey being impulsive and kavinsky being kavinsky, they hate each other and kiss lol, virtually no plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 03:03:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10845150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiriajuu/pseuds/Hiriajuu
Summary: "Sometimes, people wanted things they couldn't have, and sometimes they found the solution to that was having things they didn't want.In this particular case, what Gansey wanted was everything: the reason why he was alive, the Pig, to find Glendower, Adam to be all right after the events in Washington, Ronan to be all right after the events back in Henrietta with the Pig and K and the wrecking and dreaming of cars, Blue to be... all right in general, with our without Adam, with or without Gansey. Preferably with Gansey, but that was the thing he couldn't have the most, out of all he couldn't have.And so, somehow, with so many things he wanted and couldn't have, Gansey ended up with a thing he never, ever thought he would want.Because why on Earth would he want anything to do with or anything from Joseph Kavinsky, out of all people?"





	things we lost in the fire.

It shouldn't have happened, really. There was no reason for it to happen at all.  
In hindsight, that was probably the reason why it happened.

Sometimes, people wanted things they couldn't have, and sometimes they found the solution to that was having things they didn't want.   
In this particular case, what Gansey wanted was everything: the reason why he was alive, the Pig, to find Glendower, Adam to be all right after the events in Washington, Ronan to be all right after the events back in Henrietta with the Pig and K and the wrecking and dreaming of cars, Blue to be... all right in general, with our without Adam, with or without Gansey. Preferably with Gansey, but that was the thing he couldn't have the most, out of all he couldn't have.  
And so, somehow, with so many things he wanted and couldn't have, Gansey ended up with a thing he never, ever thought he would want.  
Because why on Earth would he want anything to do with or anything from Joseph Kavinsky, out of all people?

He didn't know, really.   
What he did know was that he felt like a caged animal, he was burning with wants and needs and must haves. Time was closing in on him, time was too fast, or too slow, time was circular. Time was nothing, time was everything. He wanted everything, and he couldn't have it, because time was everything, and time, like so many things lately, was out of his control.  
Sleep has become an even rarer visitor than before. The heat was only almost bearable at nights, and his miniature Henrietta, the product of many past sleepless nights, his escape from insomnia, was broken and ruined on the floor. He couldn't ever glimpse at it.  
_Kavinsky. He thinks he owns the place._  
Gansey was not entirely convinced, still, that it wasn't him who trashed the apartment. He thrived on destruction, after all, and this was it, even if without any of his trademark explosions and pyrotechnics.

It was wonderful and terrifying at the same time, really, that somebody who could make any dream come reality, who had so much potential in creating things, was in love with destroying them instead, including his own self.  
Gansey didn't know why he would put this much effort into solving the enigma that was Joseph Kavinsky, but with sleep staying far away from him and his miniature Henrietta in shambles, the only thing to pay attention to was his mind, and with the recent events, his thougths more and more often wandered in the direction of Kavinsky. It was the safest, because thinking about unsolvable things at night was not a good idea to begin with, but he couldn't stop himself from doing it, and so, the safest choice was the one thing that didn't need solving, because it didn't matter.  
Except it did.

Because Kavinsky didn't stop existing just because Ronan left him after the recreation of the Pig, and he didn't stop pestering them with texts and his usual bullshit either.  
The car was a surprise, though. The note, not that much. Ronan brushed it off, like he brushed off all of Kavinsky's shit, but Gansey couldn't, and he hated it.

"I think he needs to come to terms with his sexuality." This was what he said out loud, but what he was thinking was maybe, it was time for him to do that, too. Ronan made a tasteless joke in reply, not realizing Gansey's internal conflict at all. Which was good.  
Ronan being oblivious to the fact that Kavinsky was gay was one thing, a thing that he would have to face sooner or later, because K seemed awfully hellbent on making Ronan aware of this fact, but Gansey wasn't sure he wanted to discuss himself regarding that department with anybody. Not just yet.  
Because K was definitely gay, and Ronan was a tad dumb, or just slow, or just lying to himself, but what was Gansey?  
Gansey was a man living on borrowed time. He had less then a year to live, he wanted everything, and when you had but a year to have everything you want, it seemed stupid to limit yourself to the expectations of society. He cared little for genders, but he cared a lot for the world, and its promises and secrets and wonders and joys and beauties. Blue was beautiful, and the Pig was beautiful, and Adam was beautiful, and Henrietta was beautiful, and Ronan was beautiful, and Cabeswater was beautiful, and he wanted it all, as long as he could have it all, as long as he had time.   
How did Kavinsky become a part of that infinitely long, impossible to solve equation?

He was beautiful too, though, because there is a certain beauty in destruction, and he was destruction personified. And he was a creator too, a dreamer of a dozen fake IDs, a hundred white Mitsubishis, one of which was now gleaming under the unforgiving beams of the summer sun in front of Monmouth, a dreamer of explosions and fire and chaos. Destruction was his own brand of creation, and that thought scared and thrilled Gansey at the same time.

And so, while Adam was driving around Henrietta and repairing the ley line with Persephone, and a storm was building, with thick clouds looming over the horizon and the promise of roaring thunder and lightning, and Ronan was getting ready for church, and the Gray Man was checking out of Pleasant Valley Bed and Breakfast, Gansey sat in the dream Camaro, and drove to Kavinsky's apartment.  
Maybe it was just the already insufferable heat, maybe the approaching storm, or the energy of the ley line growing stronger and stronger, but Gansey felt a sense of lingering dread in the back of his mind, growing stronger and more urgent with each passing minute. He felt like something horrible was coming, something that was unstoppable and inevitable, something that would change the world forever, and them in it too. He felt that if he was somehow back on the mountainside with Blue, just pretending, he would not be able to just pretend again. He felt time was slipping though his hands, and he wanted to do something, anything, to stop this fire in his chest from eating him alive.  
And so, he drove to Kavinsky's, because he had no other idea, and because he felt like this was what he should do. It was also the only thing he knew he shouldn't do. But after last night, and with the feeling that time was cheating him out of everything he wanted, he didn't really care what he should or shouldn't do.  
So he drove to Kavinsky's, and he walked through the open front door like it wasn't the first time he had done it, and he found K's room like that too, because it was impossible to miss, and because he was following a hunch. He didn't know where it came from, he didn't know where it was leading him, he didn't know why he didn't ignore it, he didn't know why he felt so afraid in general, but not afraid at all of the thing he was preparing to do.

"Mr Gansey. This is a surprise." But despite his words, Kavinsky didn't look suprised at all. He got out of the chair he was slumped in, stumbling a bit, and leaned against the windowsill with his arms crossed on his chest, eyeing Gansey in a way that made Gansey's skin crawl with dread and anticipation. He looked ethereal under the eerie light in the room, with the curtains drawn and the sun outside being swallowed slowly by dark clouds. A wonder from another world, another time and place. His slightly unstable stance suggested he was drunk, or high, or probably both, the fire blazing deep down in his dark eyes suggested he knew what was coming, his next question suggested he was willing to play along with Gansey. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"  
Gansey merely shrugged, like he had no idea why he came here. If he was really honest with himself, he suspected, but he wasn't sure yet that he could be brave and disgusting and curious and horrible enough to do it. "I was bored. Everybody else is occupied."  
"Mommy left Daddy all alone? Man, that's tough." Gansey didn't bother to react to this with more than a tired frown. The joking about him and Ronan was getting old, and it wasn't that funny to beging with, at least not to him. K had a peculiar sense of humor though. Peculiar was maybe not the best word, Gansey realized quickly. It wasn't peculiar as much as shit, simply put. For a fleeting moment, Gansey wandered if it was because of the drugs, or if it would be the same with a sober Kavinsky. But a sober Kavinsky was a thought as impossible as a dependent Adam, or a dishonest Ronan, or a foolish Blue. The only difference was, a hidden part of Gansey was curious to see Kavinsky sober. He had a feeling he would never get to see that. He didn't want to know why that saddened him.

"So what do you want from me?"  
It was there, the question to which the answer would end everything and start everything. That answer should have been "Nothing." and Gansey should have left the way he came, if he was listening to his rational part. He wasn't anymore.  
"The same thing as you." He replied instead, stepping in front of K. "To be entertained."  
A sly grin crawled upon Kavinsky's face. Part of Gansey couldn't believe this was happening, that he was here, out of all places, with this man, out of all people, but another part felt that right now, this was the only place to be at and the only person to be with. This latter was a dangerous thought, and Gansey knew he gave in to the urge for now, but he wasn't sure how much longer he could do it, how much longer until he chickened out, or how much longer until the fire in his chest burned him down. Because as much as he wanted this, he knew Kavinsky was not the solution to any of his problems. In fact, he was he exact opposite, he was a new problem himself, currently on the way to becoming an even bigger problem, if they didn't stop before it was too late to stop. Another problem was, time still seemed to be running out, and so, Gansey didn't feel like stopping.  
"And you think I can entertain you?"  
"Yes, I believe you can." Gansey said, taking another step closer. _Be brave, be crazy, be reckless, just for once, this once. And then, we never speak of it again._ Their chests almost touched now. "The only question left is, do you want to?"

Kavinsky's answer was yes, and it was not presented to Gansey verbally, but physically.  
The kiss was bittersweet, not so much in feeling as in taste. Mint and beer and sweat and gasoline, and fire, the fire that was burning up both of them, the fire that was burning in them not for each other, but for everything else.   
Kavinsky kissed him like the world was ending, and Gansey believed it was. Kavinsky kissed him like he only did it because Gansey wanted it, and Gansey kissed back like he only did it because Kavinsky wanted it.  
It was madness, the rightest of wrongs and the wrongest of rights. It was impossible, and yet, it was happening.   
Time seemed to slow down, bit by bit, as they ran out of breath and rational thought, but the kiss stopped before time could, as Kavinsky pulled away, leaving Gansey gasping for air, his mouth still desperate for something to occupy it, his heart still burning.

"Are you coming to the Fourth?"  
The same old question again, the one K seemed to be fixated on lately. Gansey shrugged. He was dazed, still breathless from the kiss and from the fact itself that he was here, this was really happening to him. Why? Why was he here, what was he even doing? Why would he go to K's party after this? How could he go?  
"Probably not."  
"I bet I can make you come." Kavinsky's answer was the suggestion of a joke, and Gansey was willing to play along. For now.  
"To the Fourth, or in general?"  
At that, Kavinsky let out a surprised, but delighted laugh. It was a strangely human reaction, coming from a monster, and Gansey's heart stuttered at the sound, the fire in him flickered for a second.  
"Well, the choice is all yours."  
This time, it was Gansey who initiated the kiss. Because there was nothing else to say, nothing else to do, the fire in him was still burning and time was still running out, and so, he kissed Kavinsky until there was no air in his lungs to be burned up by the fire, until it felt like time has stopped runing, it has stopped completely, there was no past and no future, just this second, here and now, forever and ever. And then he pulled away.  
"What?"  
Gansey didn't answer. It felt stupid to say time has stopped finally, but it was the only answer he had, and the only reason why he stopped kissing K. The fire in him was till eating him alive, the lingering dread and the feeling of something horrible coming their way was still in the back of his mind, a storm was still approaching, and nothing was all right, but he had to stop, he had to come to his senses, before he did something even worse and better than this.  
   
He still didn't know why was he here, what was he doing, but what he knew now was that there was nothing else left for him here, nothing to gain and everything to lose. And when you wanted everything, risking it was as thrilling as foolish. Without trying, he couldn't have know if it would stop being thrilling or foolish first. After trying, he knew the thrill wore off first.  
"Don't tell me you're gonna go running back to your dog now, man. Just don't."  
"I have to, and we both know that." But K didn't really look like he knew, or at least he didn't want to accept it. Which didn't mattter, really. "Nothing will come of this."  
"Then why are you here? Why get me going, if you're just gonna fucking chicken out like the coward you are?"  
Gansey knew what K was trying to do with insulting him, but it was not working. On the contrary, it sobered him further, because he realised the truth of it. He was a coward, he was still burning, he was wasting his precious time with the one thing he didn't need. God, he wanted it so badly, now that he got a taste, but he wasn't gonna ruin everything else just to have it, because no matter how much he wanted it, he knew he didn't need it.  
Ronan said stupid was hard to know with Kavinsky, but Gansey was fairly sure this fit into the category. 

"This is fucked, man."  
But with that, any fight that was still in him left K, and he slumped back into the chair he was sitting in when Gansey arrived. He looked like he was coming down from his high, but instead of doing a line, or three, or ten, as Gansey half-expected him to, he merely lit a cigarette. He blew the smoke from the first deep drag towards Gansey, and then he tilted his head back until he was staring at the ceiling.  
"Yeah, it is." Gansey agreed, because with that K had a fair point, and there was no denying that. Kavinsky offered him the cigarette, and he took it. He gave it back after one drag.  
"Well, what are you waiting for? A goodbye kiss?" K sounded frustrated and impatient, and Gansey realised he didn't know why he was still here, standing in the middle of this mess Kavinsky called his room, in which K himself was the biggest mess, and Gansey undoubtedly the second. "Get the fuck outta here. Run back to your bitch."  
Gansey's sigh was equal parts disappointed and relieved. He didn't know why K didn't try to push him further, why he didn't see how on edge he was, how he only needed a bit more convincing to stay, all possible consequences be damned. And so, he was disappointed. But he was also relieved. Obviously.  
K didn't move an inch as Gansey started for the door, and only lifted his head as Gansey grabbed the handle.

"Tell Lynch I said hi." He shouted after Gansey, as Gansey walked out the door. "See you at the Fourth!"  
Gansey didn't bother reacting. First of all, they both knew they were not gonna talk to anybody about this, they weren't even gonna mention they met. Fast and anonymus.  
And second, Gansey was pretty much convinced that after this, going to K's party was anything but a good idea. Doing one incredibly stupid thing was more than enough for a day.

But just because Gansey already exhausted his stupid thing limit with going to Kavinsky's, it didn't mean that K did too. It didn't even mean they had the same limit, because to be fair, most things that Kavinsky did were stupid, more or less. That's why it was hard to tell with him.  
And so, soon after Gansey left, Kavinsky went ahead and did the stupidest thing he has ever done in his life: he kidnapped Ronan's brother. And so, they went to the Fourth, after all, and so, K got what he wanted, after all. Gansey really wished he didn't, though.  
Not like this.  
Not with the flame that was eating at Kavinsky from the inside as well finally growing too big for him to handle. Not with this monster of a dreamer dreaming the fire destroying him into reality. Not with that fire finally burning him up from the outside too, swallowing him whole and then dying with him. As the fire died with Kavinsky and Kavinsky died with the fire, Gansey felt a chill run down his spine, so cold the hairs on his arms stood, so cold that he was afraid he would never feel warm again.  
There it was, the unstoppable and inevitable, that changed the world forever, and them in it.  
Was it really unstoppable though? Or it was just that Gansey didn't try hard enough to stop it?  
He didn't know, and he didn't want to think about it, but God, he did. He did.

He wondered if K would have done things differently if he stayed. If they didn't stop before it was too late.  
He wondered what would have happened if Ronan accepted the invitation before K's methods turned ugly. What would have become of them then?  
He wondered what would Ronan, or Blue, or Adam think of him if they knew. He wondered what he thought of himself, after going to Kavinsky and then letting this happen to him.

But above all, he wondered why Kavinsky had to be right about the world being a nightmare. 

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, here it is. My second time trying to write something in the fandom, with the rarest of rarepairs probably. What can I say? My hands slipped... I blame tumblr, a short headcanon appeared on my dash about these two, it got me thinking, and next I knew, I had... this. I don't know what this is really, it's canon-compliant because that's my jam, it's kinda bad in my opinion, but whatever. I've never written this much in English before, and I haven't written fanfiction other than HP for years, so I'm proud of my baby. Please give me feedback, good or bad, I don't care, just give me something. I wanna keep on writing in this fandom and language, I wanna improve, I wanna know what you guys think, I even wanna know what you guys want to read next, so if you have suggestions, hit me up!  
> (Just no Pynch, please. I accept it as canon, I'm okay with it, but that doesn't mean I have to be interested in reading or writing it. I'm not. Same with Adam. Really, it's just that I never really liked Adam, he didn't interest me as a character, so me trying to write about him would be a disaster. Literally anybody or anything else is fine.)


End file.
